Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 5

Published On: Mar 19 2012 05:04:29 PM CDT
The Celebrity Apprentice
HOUSTON -

I have two words to describe this week’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice: Lou. Ferrigno.

Sure, there are two teams. Sure, there are twelve celebrities left in the running. Sure, Trump’s three spawn appear to have been genetically altered in some mysterious way that makes them look pretentious by simply walking into a room. But there is only ONE Incredible Hulk.

But you know what, I’m being unfair. I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss the utter humiliation I feel on behalf of women everywhere anytime Aubrey O’Day delivers an obnoxious aside straight to camera, or over-enunciates her words in an attempt to distract from her grade-school intellect, or opens her surgically modified lips/eyes at all throughout the course of this season. I must acknowledge the impact her nauseatingly artificial hair color and moronic commentary make on the Celebrity Apprentice­-watching experience. So there. I’ve given Aubrey her due. (But like, let’s be real, we all know there will be more Aubrey-bashing momentarily.)

Also, I was watching last night’s episode with a friend who had some really winning one-liners. I will be ninja-attacking you while you read with said one-liners without any context or explanation. So. Be vigilant. They’re coming.

Like NOW! “There are so many uniquely unattractive people on this show. It’s like a big Ugly Magnet pulled them all into the same place. Hmm.”—Alok Nadig. Hiyah!

But back to the Hulk. This week’s challenge was to create an original “theme” (the vaguest of all vague terms? Methinks yes) and then use that theme in a viral video promoting the O-Cedar ProMist Spray Mop. After last week’s board meeting, it seemed pretty clear that Lou Ferrigno and Tia Carrere needed to put up or shut up, so both volunteered to be project manager for this task, Tia citing her (ex’s) experience with music videos and Lou citing his experience with… being the Incredible Hulk. Really, what more experience does anyone need in order to accomplish any task?

On the men’s side, Lou really put a headlock on the competition (PUNNY!) and strong-armed (HA!) his way into the starring role in the viral video concept—I said shut up Paul Sr., it doesn’t matter that you came up with the concept, you didn’t yell “action” like Dee Snider did which means you are of zero use to this team so just shove off—proving that he is, in fact, the most dedicated, capable and integral member of Team Unanimous. No, Penn Jillete, you’re not nearly as likeable as Mr. Hulk, even though you’re arguably more Hulk-like, so just sit your enormous rear end somewhere it can’t hurt anybody! And—ugh, Clay Aiken you’re not going to win any awards for saintliness by protecting Lou Ferrigno and attacking Penn Jillete so just shut up and keep your fire hair under control! Jeez. So many people trying to steal The Hulk’s spotlight. Which he permanently claimed when he said not once, but TWICE, “like a raging bull in a china closet.” China SHOP, people. China shop. Bull in a china shop. There’s no such thing as a china closet. Why did this bother no one else??

NINJA ATTACK! “OMG [blonde Trump spawn] looks like the human manifestation of a disease.” – Alok Nadig. Hiyah!

The moral of the story is that Mr. Incredible took home the $50,000 prize by shaking his little tush in front of a camera in an apron. I should also add that this made me incredibly uncomfortable. I won’t even go for the “zing!” or “punny!” comment on my use of “incredibly” because I really, truly was incredibly uncomfortable.

The women continued to be catty and throw each other under the bus, using lines such as “I mean, she was in a sorority” and “I mean, she’s Miss Universe” as attacks on people’s character. The unlikely trio of Debbie Gibson, Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O’Day makes me want to hurl myself off of a cliff into shark infested waters simply because we are of the same gender. Also because they have dubbed themselves “Team Creative,” and I think that’s offensive to the word “creative.”

Ultimately, Tia Carrere didn’t absorb as much of her ex’s the video producing genius as she thought she did, because she got the ax from good ole Trumpleufagus, claiming she went out with her “head held high.” Oh, Tia. Dear, dear Tia.

NINJA ATTACK: “How did Donald Trump’s face get so unfortunately and irreparably squnched?” – Alok Nadig. Hiyah!

Thanks for reading, and as always, thanks for watching KPRC Local 2!

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